3.09.2017

three for one

sorry. I got caught up in life the past two days, so I'll be doing 3/7-3/9 in one post.

what has changed about you/in your life recently?

the more things change, the more they stay the same. honestly. truly. I know life is always changing and I'm sure I have different stuff going on now than I did a few months ago, a year ago, whatever. but if I really look at it, it's all the same-same.

- still working the same job/career, despite all of my many attempts to change that
    I am currently enrolled in a Student Assistance Coordinator certification program. that's different I
    guess?

- still have fibromyalgia. still in pain all of the time. still tired all of the time.
    trying to see if diet affects my symptoms. I've been relatively ok with following gluten-free/lower
    dairy diet.

- having a similar experience with someone in my life that happened in 2015. I can't really say much because it's super personal and legal and blahblah. but it's super stressful and very groundhog day like.

anyway, yea. I mean, I'm watching some new tv shows, but that's about it. bleh.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

what is frustrating you right now?

argh, this is hard because the one thing I actually want to talk about, I kind of can't. but I guess when it comes down to it, when I think of this situation that's going on right now between someone from my past and someone whom I love very much, I guess I'm frustrated because there are a lot of things out of my control. I can't force this person to act a certain way or see certain things. and honestly, I don't want to. I don't want to be control or make things how I want them to be. but I do wish this person would stop being so ridiculous and stubborn and nasty. that would be nice. ultimately I just want peace for everyone - and I'm ok if peace doesn't look the way I expect it to. like, I have no expectations of what that will look like - in a way that I want to control the outcome. I just want to feeling of peace for everyone involved. and I mean everyone - even this person who is causing problems and being an asshat. even for him.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

what do you need to start over soon?

how soon is now? how long until it's over? they say it's never too late to start over. when does never begin? does it ever end?

I guess the thing is that I don't want to have to start over. I want to keep going, keep pushing. I want to make something, be something - feel satisfied in the every day. but that's the thing - I don't think that's even possible. I don't believe it to the point where when I hear or see someone who claims they are happy and everything is great and they love their jobs, blah blah whatever, I just think they're lying.
because it's not possible. if it's possible, why can't I have it? why is it always hiding from me?

maybe when rahu goes away. only like fifteen more years. nbd.


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