1. my health, or in other words fibromyalgia.
this is a huge thing for me. I am basically in constant pain somewhere in my body at all times, though usually and mostly in my right hip. there is a deep and inexplicable pain right in the fold area of my right hip that radiates down my leg at times. it's not arthritis or any bone-on-bone issue. there are a few theories about the muscle pinching nerves, but at any rate, it's there and very little that I do makes it feel better.
this also contributes to my complete and utter lack of stamina or recovery when it comes to exercise. I essentially can't do any level of excess physical activity because it completely exhausts me - if not in the moment, I will surely feel it the following day. actually, at one point I had started to feel a lot better and promptly got myself to the gym that I pay for every month but don't ever go to...I worked up a sweat on the treadmill, stair climber, and elliptical and felt really awesome while doing it and after. but the next day I was barely able to get out of bed and had crazy brainfogfuzz. it's not a fun feeling. so there's a part of me that has pretty much given up on exercising. that's a very discouraging feeling, in case you were wondering.
2. food is life.
this basically boils down to the fact that I really like food, a lot. and eating is one of my only vices. I don't drink, do drugs, or smoke, or whatever else you could insert here. I basically eat. shopping used to be a huge vice for me, but even that I've gotten a little bit more under control. so yea. eating. food makes me feel good. except when it doesn't. but I am for sure under the illusion that it does. that it is the warm hug that I need when I feel sad, or something to do when I'm bored, or a reward when I've done something good. I don't much know what to do with this part of it, other than to try to undo this thought process. but of course, like most people with great attachment to something, I don't know how much I really want to.
3. I'm an extremist.
this is a deep part of my personality - all or nothing. I know it's a weakness and I've been working on trying to not be so black and white about things, but it's not easy to change something that is kind of like the fiber of who you are. so when I want to go on a diet and I just can't commit, or I make a poor food choice, or whatever, I give up pretty easily. because if I can't do it 1million%, then I don't want to even bother.
4. I've done a lot of extreme dieting (shocker!).
if you've known me for a while or followed this blog at all, you'll know that I've done my fair share of diets... from weight watchers to juice fasts like the master cleanse. I've been very successful on some. but what I've realized is that my brain is fully burnt out on diets and cleanses. if I find myself even remotely considering any kind of restrictive diet, my brain immediately starts freaking out and seeking carbs and dairy. ha! but seriously, I just can't do counting points or calories or whatever.
5. it all feels hopeless.
feeling hopeless and helpless about anything is a really hard obstacle to overcome. and that's basically where I am. I'm getting older. my body is changing. I feel like I have no control and sometimes like I am out of control. I want to just reign it all in so bad. but I feel like I am up against so much every day and it's a losing battle.
sometimes when I think about this overeating/weight problem the first verse from sri upedesamrita:
vāco vegaṁ manasaḥ krodha-vegaṁ
etān vegān yo viṣaheta dhīraḥ
sarvām apīmāṁ pṛthivīṁ sa śiṣyāt
"A sober person who can tolerate the urge to speak, the mind’s demands, the actions of anger and the urges of the tongue, belly and genitals is qualiﬁed to make disciples all over the world."
obviously I'm not looking to make any disciples (lolzzz!), but I've always remembered how I once heard that controlling one of these items leads to controlling the next and before you know it, it's all under control and you're at peace (that's a super loose paraphrase, of course!). and that's all I want - is to feel comfortable in myself and be at peace. I can see how it would be easy for some to assume that I just want to be skinny or whatever... but it's not like that. I know I will never be "skinny" - and skinny for my body is like 125lbs. I'm relatively robust in some areas and perhaps even "big boned"(??)... I know I'll probably always have a little junk in the trunk, and that's ok. but I'd like to fit into the clothes I own and love... and feel comfortable in them. like not having my jeans dig into my waist when I sit down... and listen, I was wearing like a 10/12....it's not like I"m trying to squeeze into a size 6 or something. so yea, I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable or asking for too much or having weird unattainable expectations outside of reality.
so what do I do in the face of all of this? I'm not 100% sure. maybe I'll tackle that tomorrow.
|mood: hidden frida kahlo|