8.16.2016

I'll start tomorrow, and other lies I tell myself

I often wonder when I'm going to get my shit together. everyday I say tomorrow. I will start [insert healthy goal here] tomorrow. I feel disgusting. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I don't know how to feel better about myself unless I actually make meaningful changes.

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of just accepting myself as I am. like just saying, "you know what, this is who I am. and this is who I'm going to be. and that's that. and I will like it. I will like myself." how much easier life would be if I could just not have to worry about what I'm eating, or how much I weigh, or what I look like in a photo or an article of clothing. but it's like, I just can't turn it off. I can't accept that this is my body. this is who I've become. and that it just keeps getting worse.

2009. right before I got pregnant with gita. skinniest I had ever been since having madhavi.


yet somehow, despite this deep sense of disgust with my body, I can't seem to actually do something about it. why? what is going on that I can't JUST DO IT - commit to whatever I need to do - eat less, move more - and just get it done??

also 2009 right before I found out I was pregnant. I remember feeling so slim and squeezing into that top, which was a hand-me-down from anapayani. and I haven't been able to squeeze into it since.

and I know there is someone reading this thinking, "oh, kadamba mala, you'll never be happy, no matter how much weight you lose." I can tell you for sure that's absolutely not true. in the early part of 2012 I actually got down past my goal weight (a weight I wouldn't even dream of trying to get to now)... and I FELT GOOD. unfortunately, I had some other stuff going on that ended up giving my extreme anxiety and depression and that was when I went on anti-depressants and gained a shit ton of weight back... and ever since then I've been struggling like crazy. and the depression had nothing to do with my weight or body image. that was the only thing I actually had going for me! now it seems like everything else is reversed. for the most part, other than my physical health, everything in life is ok. but my body is a freaking hot mess and I just can't take it anymore.


I know, totally weird picture, but I couldn't find the original. anyway, 2012, right before I started gaining a ton of weight back.

I know someone is probably thinking, "oh, kadamba mala, you're not fat! you look great!" well, whatever. it's all relative. of course, obviously I'm not morbidly obese... but that's not the point. I am overweight for my height, even if it's only by 15-20lbs. my weight just keeps going up. and it's absolutely 100% my own fault. sometimes I like to try to trick myself by saying things like, "I don't even eat junk food." or "I don't even drink soda!" or "I eat pretty healthy." lies. all lies! (well, except the soda thing, I really don't drink soda very often and we basically never have it in our house.)

sigh. I don't know. there's no conclusion here. no declaration of a plan. not even a thought of one. just venting...which is basically a waste of time and energy.

I feel embarrassed even posting this photo. this is from june, and actually I think I might  have weighed 5lbs less than I do right now. I was trying to get madhavi to take a picture of me for a new profile pic and I was just so disgusted with all of them. ugh. I look huge. and haggard. you can see the weight in every part of my body. my face, my neck, my arms. I hate it. I have every bit of it.

No comments: