8.10.2016

freewrite: and nothing hurts.

I can feel it. the way you go silent and just walk away. the way you don't even try anymore, because why beat the dead horse? why bother? I don't blame you. if I could get away, I would too.

I am sick of my insecurities too. just when I think they are gone, they come back like they were there all along... because they were. because they are. they are the deepest rooted part of me. they're voices so constant for so long that I hear them without hearing them.

but I have accepted them this way. that they are forever. I try to make friends with them because what else can I do? resistance only makes them stronger. they are strong in their voices. resilient in their silence. push and pull. push and pull. push. push. push.

but I understand that you can't. I understand that they are too much for you. that I have done enough to make you think why even bother? what's the point? you can walk away and you should.

I am overbearing and too much. I cannot be loved because I cannot love my self. I don't even hate myself anymore. it's too much energy. but I don't even have the capacity or understanding of what it would mean or feel like to love myself. so I can't expect anyone else to, either.

it's ok though. I've gotten this far. one day at a time. one step. one breath. it's all I've got. and if I pretend not to care enough, I don't even feel the time go by. and nothing hurts.


(kelly vivanco)

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