a lesson in detachment

I'm basically two days into my "new beginnings" month and I'm already giving up on one of the things I wanted to do.

I've been struggling with my weight since, well, a long time... and I've really been trying to get 15lbs off for some time. the whole fibromyalgia situation has made that even harder than usual... but mostly just being busy and overwhelmed and not having time to exercise. but I'm always trying. I joined a gym at the beginning of the year... got a fitbit for my birthday... so I thought, now that I'm on vacation and new beginnings-ing, I should make an earnest effort. why not try to pack in those 10,000 steps a day that everybody swears by? I mean, right?

so yesterday, I basically laid around all day and then hauled it to the gym and spent 1 hour and 20 minutes clocking in those 10,000 steps. by the end both of my hips were burning (usually it's just my right), it felt like I had blisters on the bottom of both of my feet, and I had a stabbing pain (and weird clicking) whenever I stepped with my right foot. but I was like, yo, just suck it up. no pain, no gain... or something.

when I woke up this morning I knew there was no way I was going to do another hour and twenty on the treaddy. but I was still determined to make some effort, so I thought, ok, I'll just go walk for 30 minutes and I'll be running around all day, so maybe I'll make up the difference in life-steps. by the time I got home from the gym I was ready to go back to bed for a week. I was so exhausted. and I had that all-too-familiar foggy/fuzzy feeling in my brain, like nothing was clear and I could hardly exist, let alone take another 6,000 steps or whatever.

I rested a little bit, and then rallied through the rest of my day. but I realized that this was something I was going to have to let go of... this idea that I can just decide I'm going to do this heavy physical stuff just because I wanted to in my head. my body was literally like f#*k you! and I can want to walk 500 miles (do you have that song in your head now??), but if I can't physically move, well, then, yea, not happening.

and so it goes. I don't know what I'll do from here. I know tomorrow I'll be resting. I need to re-strategize. we'll see what krishna wants I s'pose.


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