letter one

dear honey,

isn't it weird that we call each other that? I don't remember why we chose that - though I know I felt like not calling you by your name was a conscious choice - that's part of the culture we have tried to adopt - a chaste wife never calls her husband by name. so I started calling you honey. it's weird when I think about it, but not weird when I say it.

in this month of letters that I am about to embark on, it's hard for me to start with one to you. I feel like I can't say any of the things I would really want to say because the truth between us is too intimate. but maybe you know all of those things in your heart. I hope you do at least.

so I'm not sure how to spend this writing space. do I tell you how much I love you? that you're a good husband? a good father? all of those things are true, of course. or maybe I should spend it apologizing for not always being the best wife or mother or person. aren't these the things we say all of the time to each other? You are so good. I love you. Forgive me for not being perfect. I don't know. it is all true, but feels so forced here.

for some reason one really great memory just popped into my head. it's one of my favorite times we've shared in our time together...

I think it was the first time I came to see you in michigan - or maybe it was when I came to pick you up? I can't remember... but what I do remember is you took me to the detroit temple and I had never been there before. and it was practically a ghost town - no one around at all really. but you found the pujari (who you knew) and he gave you two maha garlands. and we were standing in the temple room and jokingly placed the garlands around each other. I remember not thinking anything of it as we were doing it. I remember I was wearing overalls (haha!). and we were standing in front of Radha-Kunjabihari. after we placed the garlands around each other's neck the realization came to me that that's what people do when they get married. we had only been together for a short time - maybe a few months?? - but we had just done this ritualistic thing like it was natural, like it was something we were supposed to do. I've always thought of this as our first wedding. it was just us and Radha and Krishna. what or who else did we need?

I hope we can come back to that place soon - the place of only needing each other and god. and maybe we can help each other only need god in the end.

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