working my way through $100 worth of magazines and existential crises

my day in a nutshell. yes those are tween fancy cat ears. 
I recently went on a bender at barnes and noble and spent an insane amount of money on, yes, magazines. and when you buy super pretentious magazines and actually read them, it takes a long time to get through them. anywho, one of my purchases is always poets & writers. I don't know why... I honestly only read bits of it. I realized as I was flipping through it today that I found myself basking in the mfa ads...daydreaming and wishing and regretting that time back in 1999 when I had a full naropa application filled-out and ready to go, and then I didn't send it. shrug. I don't even remember why... but if I had done it then, I'd have my mfa already! and then I think about how I applied to the nyu mfa program and didn't get in. oh, but then I think about how I applied to the farleigh dickenson program and got in... and then didn't go because gita had just been born and I couldn't go to the residency... I don't know. part of me feels like what's the point? #doublerahu and no expectations of success, right? but then part of me feels like #yolo, wtf, why not?

I don't know. my husband would probably kill me if I even mentioned going back to school. plus, why do I even want to do it? you don't need an mfa to be a writer. and I'm already teaching at the college level (well, albeit community college adjuncting...). is it just for my ego? maybe. probably. but what else is there, really? I know that I'm on a professional treadmill right now. I'm runningrunningrunning and getting absolutely nowhere (thanks, rahu). but I could get an mfa and still go nowhere - as was proven by paying a lot of money and spending a lot of time getting my master's in school counseling - oh, right, I'm supposed to be a school counselor right now but my karma sucks and I'm not!

so, yea. back to I don't know. what if I just picked three programs and applied? just threw it up in the air and waited to see where it all landed? it's something to do, if nothing else. right?

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