10.08.2015

working my way through $100 worth of magazines and existential crises

my day in a nutshell. yes those are tween fancy cat ears. 
I recently went on a bender at barnes and noble and spent an insane amount of money on, yes, magazines. and when you buy super pretentious magazines and actually read them, it takes a long time to get through them. anywho, one of my purchases is always poets & writers. I don't know why... I honestly only read bits of it. I realized as I was flipping through it today that I found myself basking in the mfa ads...daydreaming and wishing and regretting that time back in 1999 when I had a full naropa application filled-out and ready to go, and then I didn't send it. shrug. I don't even remember why... but if I had done it then, I'd have my mfa already! and then I think about how I applied to the nyu mfa program and didn't get in. oh, but then I think about how I applied to the farleigh dickenson program and got in... and then didn't go because gita had just been born and I couldn't go to the residency... I don't know. part of me feels like what's the point? #doublerahu and no expectations of success, right? but then part of me feels like #yolo, wtf, why not?

I don't know. my husband would probably kill me if I even mentioned going back to school. plus, why do I even want to do it? you don't need an mfa to be a writer. and I'm already teaching at the college level (well, albeit community college adjuncting...). is it just for my ego? maybe. probably. but what else is there, really? I know that I'm on a professional treadmill right now. I'm runningrunningrunning and getting absolutely nowhere (thanks, rahu). but I could get an mfa and still go nowhere - as was proven by paying a lot of money and spending a lot of time getting my master's in school counseling - oh, right, I'm supposed to be a school counselor right now but my karma sucks and I'm not!

so, yea. back to I don't know. what if I just picked three programs and applied? just threw it up in the air and waited to see where it all landed? it's something to do, if nothing else. right?

No comments: