free write release

I feel like a failure at everything. and when I am in moments like this one, where everything is dark, I believe that there is nothing else in the world other than my failures. the logical part of me understands that I most likely feel this way because of hormones, but the emotional part of me – the part that is actually feeling things, doesn’t care. I think a lot about moving to a holy place – like mayapura or vrndavan. I think about it with a sense of deep longing – as if perhaps that would somehow take away a chunk of my suffering, as if it would give me some relief. I tell you this because this morning I was wondering to myself whether or not people in india – like very spiritual places, where Krishna is their center – whether they suffer emotionally the way I feel like I do. like, are they depressed? do they feel sadness like this? or are they always blissful and happy and just loving Krishna 24/7? of course, once this thought left me, I realized how silly it was. because I understand that we all suffer to some degree or another in our own ways – because this is the material world, and it is full of suffering. because this is the material world, and as long as you have a mind then you cannot escape its constant chatter and whims.

but this isn’t about all of those practical principles. this is about all of the weight I feel on me. the changes that happen that shift me. and ultimately, it is about the things I cannot control…and I control nothing. I control nothing other than these things I am thinking, feeling, expressing right here, right now. I so badly want to feel nothing. to be so numb that these thoughts do not exist. these feelings will no longer be. I want darkness and silence and warmth and nothingness. I want peace. total peace. but I have no hope for it. no energy left. everything feels heavy. too heavy.

these are my feet, which are at the bottom of my legs, which are (pictured here) up the wall.

***I wrote this earlier in the day. it's now several hours later, and after a good cry and a talk with a co-worker, I actually feel a bit better. it's amazing how things change moment to moment. oh, these moments...

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