I feel like a failure at everything. and when I am in moments like this one, where everything is dark, I believe that there is nothing else in the world other than my failures. the logical part of me understands that I most likely feel this way because of hormones, but the emotional part of me – the part that is actually feeling things, doesn’t care. I think a lot about moving to a holy place – like mayapura or vrndavan. I think about it with a sense of deep longing – as if perhaps that would somehow take away a chunk of my suffering, as if it would give me some relief. I tell you this because this morning I was wondering to myself whether or not people in india – like very spiritual places, where Krishna is their center – whether they suffer emotionally the way I feel like I do. like, are they depressed? do they feel sadness like this? or are they always blissful and happy and just loving Krishna 24/7? of course, once this thought left me, I realized how silly it was. because I understand that we all suffer to some degree or another in our own ways – because this is the material world, and it is full of suffering. because this is the material world, and as long as you have a mind then you cannot escape its constant chatter and whims.
but this isn’t about all of those practical principles. this is about all of the weight I feel on me. the changes that happen that shift me. and ultimately, it is about the things I cannot control…and I control nothing. I control nothing other than these things I am thinking, feeling, expressing right here, right now. I so badly want to feel nothing. to be so numb that these thoughts do not exist. these feelings will no longer be. I want darkness and silence and warmth and nothingness. I want peace. total peace. but I have no hope for it. no energy left. everything feels heavy. too heavy.
|these are my feet, which are at the bottom of my legs, which are (pictured here) up the wall.|
***I wrote this earlier in the day. it's now several hours later, and after a good cry and a talk with a co-worker, I actually feel a bit better. it's amazing how things change moment to moment. oh, these moments...