cleansing realizations

I started a juice fast/cleanse this past monday. I basically have only been doing organic green/veg/fruit juices and small amounts of fruit since then (though I had a spinach salad for lunch today). I've done many cleanses/fasts in the past (check out the cleanse tab in the labels!), so I'm no stranger to not eating for a few days. I will admit that one of my main goals (always) is to shed some pounds. I'd be lying if I denied that! but I will say that this time around, while I was hoping to lose at least 5 lbs (only lost 3ish), I was really looking to do some serious detoxing. I've had some ups and downs as the week has gone by and I thought I'd share a few thoughts/realizations that I had.

* before I started the cleanse I was feeling very heavy - not like fat (though that too!) but like heavy in my body - weighed down, sluggish, and truly just gross. I was having a lot of headaches and every time I ate I felt just not good - what to speak of my overall mood, which, as you probably read, was not very good. my hope was that through the fast I would gain some lightness and clarity. my first three days were super yukkie - I actually felt somewhat worse in the sense that I had massive headaches and all of the other things that go along with detoxing. but these are normal and expected. but what I can say is that as I woke up today, on day 5, is that I feel pretty fabulous all around. my head is clear and sharp and my body feels lighter and less bogged down/sluggish, despite this very seasonal kapha weather! if for no other reason than this, this whole cleanse was worth it!

* I've read where people say they don't get hungry while they cleanse. I guess this could be true for some (who am I to say?) but I won't lie and say that's me. yes, I was hungry from time to time. but what I noticed most often was that when I wanted to eat I usually wasn't hungry at all - at least physically. most of the times I wanted to eat I noticed I was either stressed or bored. I know this isn't a huge revelation in terms of being an emo eater. but I guess I never really actually thought about it in the moments when it would happen to me in the past. I use food a lot to fill the empty spaces - it's honestly one of my only vices. well, except this other one...

* so I will admit that even though I noticed that I fill those places in myself where I could be more thoughtful and mindful with food, I have also realized that I fill them with things, aka I shop the blues away. and so even though I wasn't consuming food, I ended up consuming this, this, this, this, this, this, this, and this (I also bought some haiku books from amazon, but they don't really count because they're for work and I'm not actually paying for them...). yea, that's a lot of stuff. and a lot of money I don't have. I ended up sending my husband a text profusely apologizing for these purchases, though he wasn't even aware of them at the time. the only explanation is that I am trying to fill the emptiness with things. more this, this, this. sigh. I don't know.

my intelligence understands all of this, but my emotions don't. or maybe they do but they don't want to claim ownership, and perhaps that's why I keep eating and buying. stuffing myself with stuff I don't need - whether it be food or saris (though c'mon, those saris/tops are fab!). so I don't have any deep answers or solutions... just these thoughts. it's a start, I suppose....?

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