are you there yoga? it's me, kadamba mala dd...

when I started my 200 hour yoga teacher training in 2012, I was on a long upward climb from a very low point in my life. I went to the training to try to save myself – to give myself space, to learn how to be with myself, to heal. and in a lot of ways, that’s what happened. I’ve said many times that yoga saved my life. I loved my training for so many reasons: I was practicing often – I was focused on learning and discovering and developing. but my intention going into the training wasn’t to teach. the teaching after I was done happened in a very natural way – I could do it and I didn’t mind doing it. I enjoyed it. and so for about a year after I graduated from my 200 hour course I taught at the studio where I had learned.

I was happy with where I was, in a sense, but if you know me then you know that I have a problem with being too idle. hmm, actually, maybe idle isn’t the best word – because if you know me then you know I’m hardly ever idle. I work. a lot. I work a lot. but there’s something else in me that always wants to be learning and advancing. maybe it’s an ego thing – I don’t know. that’s another topic for another day, I guess. what I’m getting at is that I was feeling that learning itch. I was feeling ├╝ber restless, and so the idea of doing a 500 hour training was never far from my brain. I had considered a few different trainings – but many of them were inconvenient for one reason or another… distance, timing, cost, etc. and, in earnest, I had always shied away from the idea of doing the 500 training at the studio where I did my 200 because of a seva requirement that is attached to it - basically a big number of hours dedicated to community service outside of the classroom time, which isn’t bad in-and-of-itself but seemed very impractical for me because I am so busy in general, and also working with the unknown gives me anxiety.

but I digress. so anyway, the itch wouldn’t go away… and so (after a long discussion with my asana guru) I decided to do the training at my home studio where I taught and learned so much already.
that all sounds great. so why don’t I feel that same sense of relief with this training as I felt in my 200? why don’t I feel like I’m being saved anymore? why do I feel hopeless and lost?
the only thing I can come up with is this: I teach, I am training… but I don’t practice. I am a yoga teacher who isn’t actually practicing yoga. and by not practicing I mean I don’t have a daily asana practice – of course, in many ways I practice yoga in my everyday life. but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I mean that physical movement that brings me peace. and I’m not doing it. there is something different about being in this 500 then when I was in the 200 – maybe I am not exploring asana as much – maybe that’s good, maybe it’s not – I don’t know. but I can see what’s not working and it’s me and my practice.

and so I’ve decided that I need to do something. like, literally do something. I can’t have a physical asana practice with the way my life is now. and I need it so very desperately. with that I think I’m going to stop teaching for a while once my 500 hour training is complete and focus on my own practice – more importantly, making/creating/holding the space for my own practice.
this makes me sad on one level – I have so many ideas for classes and workshops and whatnot, and I do actually like teaching. but on another level it’s a bit of a relief. it’s one less obligation, one less job. and yoga was never meant to be a job or obligation for me.

with all of that said, my prayer is that I will be able to find my practice again soon… to be able to reunite with this old friend. 

a vision board I did pre-500 training.

a vision board I did this past weekend. just see the difference in need and intention.

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