diwali disappointment take deux

the other day I happened upon a draft of a blog post that for some reason I never actually posted. it was from diwali of 2011. maybe I thought it was too depressing...? because instead, I ended up posting this weird superficial entry. shrug. at any rate, when I came across the original post I thought, wow, the more things change the more they stay the same...which, incidentally is one of my favorite sayings. I wonder how much longer it's going to take for me to either actually affect some change in my life or just surrender to the fact that this is my life.

here's the original post from 10.26.11, which was titled "diwali disappointment". how emo.


I'm a little surprised at myself. this is my favorite time of year, two-fold. one, because it is fall - and the weather is just perfect and nature, in death, is beautiful. and two, because we are in the middle of my favorite month on the indian-vedic calendar - kartikaI love kartika for so many reasons: hearing the pastime of mother yasoda binding krishna to the grinding mortar with her rope of love; singing the most beautiful song of that pastime every night and offering candlesrasa garbha dances and diwali, and the best holiday of all - govardhana puja (my favorite because it is the only non-fasting holiday... krishna wants you to eat more! aniyor!).

but I am surprised at myself... no, disappointed with myself... that I'm not doing anything this year. like really nothing. nada. zilch. zero. no kartika vows (think lent, but different), no damodarastakam and offering of lights every night. I haven't even been to a temple once this month. sigh. I'm so sad. for real.

last year we didn't really do anything because gita was still so newborn-ish. it just didn't seem practical. this year, ugh, I don't even know. I'm tired. I'm busy. but sadly, mostly just uninspired. I had so many plans in my head this time last year of what I would do this year - I wanted to do a "devotional" style family portrait and send out diwali cards, like christmas cards - but to celebrate the indian new year. I wanted to (by this point) be going to the temple every sunday. I wanted to be reclaiming my spiritual life - at least in some capacity. but I'm not. I haven't done any of those things.

today is diwali - the festival of lights that celebrates the return of lord rama after his years of exile. it is a day for celebration - a marker of a new year. my inner prayer tonight is that someday soon I will find the balance in my life - that the material and the spiritual will some how come together without crashing or exploding or knocking me over.

photo of our altar from the first night of kartik last year, 2013

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