it's not even that expect too much. it's that I expect at all.
as a very elementary (but not necessarily real) example, if I say "Hi!" I expect a "Hi!" back.
and you see, this is the problem. because expecting leads directly to disappointment almost all of the time...for so many reasons.
first off, who am I to expect anything from anyone? as if I am somehow entitled to or owed something, anything, at all. I think, though, my expectations don't come from entitlement. because I never expect something, don't get it, and feel like what is due to me has not been delivered in like a toddler-tantrum kind of way. it's different. I almost feel like I don't know how to explain it.
maybe it is egotistical and narcissistic of me to think/say this, but I feel like I'm a giver. I'm not saying I'm not a taker. I do my fair share of taking. but more often than not, I give. and give. and give. and sometimes my giving feels more like a blood letting. like I'm not always handing candy out. sometimes mo'fos just snatch it right outta my bag. (ok, that was weird...)
it just gets draining I guess. doing, doing, doing. and I don't do things thinking to myself "oh, I'll get THIS in return." but when I get nothing after an extended period of time, I am absolutely worn thin and down to the bone. and I break. and the breaking isn't pretty. in fact, it's usually followed by ugly crying, which almost always leads to a few sties in my eyes (this is a new phenomena. every time I cry now I seem to get a sty. it's like my body is rejecting my one fulfilling release. I really can't win.). and the cycle seems never ending.
maybe this is the thing: if I do something for someone, a "thank you" would be nice. if someone hurts my feelings, intentional or not, just an acknowledgement would go a long way - I'm not even asking for an apology. just a freaking ACKNOWLEDGMENT.
that's it too. like, I'm here. I exist. I'm sorry if I expect people to act like human beings. I know, it's craziness. but I'm here. I'm a person. I have feelings. I see you. I see your feelings. I try hard, so very hard - harder than you can see or know - to be a good friend, wife, mother...a fucking human being. like I try to at the bare minimum to be a human being. is that crazy? is it crazy to want to be treated like one? that if you hand me a piece of paper and in my accepting it I accidentally get a paper-cut you simply say, "hey, I'm sorry! totally didn't mean that. I know, paper cuts can be the worst." it's really that simple.
but honestly, don't even expect the unexpected. because even that shit will disappoint the hell out of you.
|tard also expects nothing. I, on the other-hand, totally expected people to notice the tigers on my shirt.|
no one did. what was I thinking?
(photo by kate manna)