I am writing because I should be writing. I want to write about why I don't write, but what is the point of that? that's worse than a poem about writing poems (actually, I like poems about poems, but some people don't - so this comparison is for those people). writing is about opening, letting go, validation. but when you are holding things close and fear judgement, it makes writing hard. but wait, I'm almost writing about why I'm not writing. didn't I just say I wasn't going to do that?

so then why now? because sometimes things happen - happen so suddenly and unexpectedly - as to open our eyes. and I feel like - no, know - that I am becoming - have become - one of those writers that "once was". I used to say, "oh, yes, I am a poet." and now I am just some girl, some woman, packed full of life, who says, "oh, yes, I used to write poetry." and it totally grosses me out.

I don't know. my head is full of mucus (literally) and my lungs shudder and burn when I inhale and my wrists are sweaty and I'm a manglik, and I have lft, so writing this right now is uncomfortable. but I'm doing it, because putting something down - as nonsensical and kookie as it might be - is a step forward. and so I did it and I'm done.

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