found in my phone notes, from 8.6.13, 7:41pm.
he ruined forgiveness for me the minute he hit her, said he was sorry, and then did it again and again. decades later I tell my therapist that I cannot forgive him, because to forgive means to say it is ok. she tells me that forgiveness does not have to mean concession. it can just be letting go. I try that on for size. at first it is too small. then it is too big. and then, somehow, as time goes by and the pain fades slightly, the fit is ok.
now, as the tables have turned, and I am the one who has done wrong, the one who has plunged the knife of hurt into another, twisting it one time too many, packing the wound with the salt of my selfishness. it becomes hard to breathe under the guilt. I stuff it down as deep as I can. and although it is heavy and weighted, it floats to the surface. it bubbles over.
here are some random quotes from a podcast/forgiveness seminar called "The Life of Forgiveness" by Mahatma dasa. I never finished listening to the whole seminar series. I should really do that.
"forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."
"resentment is a weapon you use to punish the other person."
"mercy makes up for what we lack."
"an unforgiving heart is attached to hurting another person because we were hurt by that person."
(if you search Mahatma on itunes, I'm pretty sure you can find the podcast - I really do recommend it!)