sri vyasa puja 2012

yesterday was my guru's birthday. we had a lovely intimate celebration in his honor. a friend said to me today that it was brave of me to write and read this offering in front of so many people, especially considering everything that has been going on with me lately. I don't know about it being so brave - I mean, yea, I guess. I always write and speak from my heart, which is why I almost always cry. I didn't actually shed tears this year - but my heart was racing a million miles a minute and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack while I was reading it. it took me a good ten minutes to stop shaking. as you'll see from my first sentence, I really didn't know what to say, but somehow the right words came. when I was finished and as I was walking away, maharaj called my name and then told me I must be getting some mercy because I was there (meaning at vyasa puja) and had written such a nice offering. I'm just glad he liked it and felt the sincerity of my words.

Dearest Srila Guru Maharaj,
Please accept my obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada. All glories to you.

Honestly, I have no idea what to say. Since this time last year my Krishna-consciousness has taken a swift nosedive and has left me battered and bruised to say the least. I recently read a quote where you said: “We think that our practice is weak because of a lack of time, when in fact it is weak because of a lack of taste.” This couldn’t be more true in my circumstance. Despite your kindness, compassion, understanding, and guidance my mind and desires have pulled me farther away from you and Krishna than I have ever been. And although you know that I have no taste for this process, you still try to engage me in your service to guru and Krishna – even if it is just simple editing or holding a bag for you. Isn’t it a shame that I am such an ungrateful jerk that while you try to pull me up, all I can do is throw myself back onto the ground? What can I offer you other than an apology – for breaking my vows, for turning away from you and Krishna, for being an embarrassment to you and Srila Prabhupada…and, I am sure, a multitude of other offenses.

In fact, I am so selfish that on this day, when I am supposed to be praising you, I am going to instead beg you to please pray for me – to please ask your Giriraj to somehow save me and keep me engaged in your service. You are my one and only connection to the shelter of Krishna’s lotus feet. Without you I have nothing. Please, Guru Maharaj, don’t give up on me yet.

Praying to always be your servant,
Kadamba Mala devi dasi

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