8.02.2012

my yellow wallpaper

sometimes I get stuck - sitting in a chair at work. laying in bed. in my bathtub. in a hug. I can't move. I am there and I am stuck. I think: I can not get up. I can not move. it's so much easier to stay just like this.

other times I can't stop moving. I drive slowly so it will last longer (or because I don't have the energy to push my foot down farther on the gas - but that's a different story...). I drive fast because I can't feel the speed. I clean. I laugh. I walk. I go.

but mostly I like to have my eyes closed. I close them to shut everything out. I close them to hide. I close them and I think to myself that if I keep them closed somehow everything on the other side of my eyelids will somehow disappear. that somehow the pain and the emptiness and the longing will no longer exist. that maybe somehow I will no longer exist.

after staring for several hours at this birdcage with a lampshade on it and subsequently feeling very agitated by it, I came to the conclusion that it is my yellow wallpaper. if you don't get the reference or understand my weird correlation, don't worry. it's not that big of a deal.

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