like going home

sri sri radha govinda, brooklyn, ny

when I was growing up I couldn't wait to be old enough to move out on my own. home never felt like home to me. once I did move out after high school I never lived in one place for longer than a year - and there were some places I lived in for less than that. I hopped from apartment to apartment and even bought a house along the way (which I ended up selling the next year). even the house (condo) I live in now was never meant to be a long-term place - it was intended to be a transitional space until we could afford to buy something bigger - a plan that was hatched before the real estate market crashed. no where I have ever lived has felt like home to me - with the exception of one place: 305 schermerhorn street, brooklyn, ny. sri sri radha-govinda mandir.

granted, I only lived there for like six months - hell, it could have even been less than that. it was so long ago I don't even remember. but what I do remember is living in my little blue room and feeling like I was finally home. when I left my short-lived life as a faux-brahmacarini and moved to north carolina (another move that was very short) I cried and cried because I missed radha-govinda so much - not because I was such a pure devotee that I was that attached to krishna, but... I don't know. just because I loved them so freaking much. it's kind of hard to explain.

when we moved from north jersey down to the oc (as I lovingly refer to ocean county), driving to brooklyn every week for the sunday feast became impractical - the distance, the traffic, it was all just too much...we go very rarely. up until this last sunday it had been over a year since I saw radha-govindaji face-to-face...

have you ever had a friend that you were super close with and then lost touch and then reconnected with and when you reconnected it was like no time had gone by at all? that's what going to the temple was like. it was like I had just been there the week before. it was like a warm hug. a beautiful embrace. 

I know that my commitment to and practice of bhakti yoga via krishna consciousness has been shaky to say the least, but that doesn't change my heart, my love for krishna. and maybe that love isn't pure or it's covered in dust or whatever, but I still feel it and there is a big part of me that wants to clean it, fix it... heal it. 

I'd like to think that radha-govinda see me struggling and are forgiving me for all of the offenses I've made and are trying to help me. maybe I'm just making that up. I don't know. but it feels nice to imagine it that way...

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