here I am

have you ever taken a bath and stayed in the tub while the water drains?

imagine that feeling - the gravity pull of the water as it is sucked into the pipes - that rooted feeling, like a suction cup on a window that wants to pop.

sometimes that is how my sadness feels. like an empty pull. I feel it in my chest and in my throat. I feel it in my limbs and bendable places.

sometimes jd will ask me if I'm ok and all I can answer is I don't feel good. it is getting to the point now where he understands without any further explanation that this doesn't mean I have a sore throat or a headache.

last night before I let myself into sleep I was crying. after I gave my usual I don't feel good answer to jd he asked me why I was so sad. I started to answer that I didn't know (this is also sometimes a standard answer - and it is honest, sometimes I really don't know). but then I said, I just keep thinking 'I want to go home.' I feel so homesick and I don't even know what that means. I am home! but that is exactly what it felt like - the empty sadness of being far away from home. if you ever slept away from home as a kid, you certainly know this feeling. the longing and aching to be in a place of comfort, somewhere you know where you feel safe and secure. that's how my sadness feels so much of the time. and it makes absolutely no sense.

but just so you know, despite this post I have actually been feeling a bit better. I've been feeling over the last few days like my mood and emotions have been leveling off a bit since the viibryd/zoloft switch. what I've come to suspect is that the anti-depressants aren't helping with my PMDD. I don't know if I ever mentioned that I also have that - it took me a long time to recognize that the crazy emotions I go through before menstruating/ovulating weren't normal. my suspicion is that that's why I was crying on my vlog two weeks ago (right before my period) and that's why I was crying and so tired yesterday (ovulating). I'm sorry if this is all too much info, but recognizing patterns like this is really helping me to understand where a lot of unexplainable feelings are coming from.

I also (somewhat) haven't been so tired lately. when I first started taking the zoloft I was taking it in the morning and about two hours in I would be narcoleptic tired - like barely able to function/stay awake. I've been taking it at night for a few days and it's really seemed to help - both my sleeping at night and staying awake during the day. part of me still feels exhausted a good deal of the time. but I don't know how much of that is physical exhaustion versus mental exhaustion. I'm too tired to even think about it. ha!


uuathome.com said...

Gawwwd I know that feeling. Also, little known fact, I can ALWAYS tell where I am in my cycle by my "mood" (although "mood" implies that I have decided to feel that way, and I think I have discovered that I am totally at the mercy of my hormones). I never remember having that problem before I had the kids.

k.mala gutierrez said...

hmm, you know, now that I think about it, the crazy-PMDDness has been way worse since gita was born. although, it all seems to blur together, so who knows.

Anonymous said...

You may want to try out the EFT. It maight really help.