where I've been...

the blog, and my writing in general, has been on a bit of a break over the past few months. I've been going through... things. I've been questioning and crying a lot, mostly. some people might call it a mid-life crisis, though I'd hate to imagine that I'm already in the middle of my life (because isn't just downhill from there?!).

a month or so ago everything, so to speak, came to a head... a breaking point of sorts. and while things are getting better, I'm mostly still left with a sense of doubt and lack of identity. what am I doing? how did I get here? and most importantly where the frig am I going?

I don't have the answers to those questions yet. part of me feels like I might never have the answers. and sometimes it's just hard for me to think about without feeling like my brain is going to fall out of my head.

I've been "depressed" for most of my life. I put that in quotes because apparently (after a technical discussion with my therapist) depression is a somewhat relative thing. to me, being depressed most of my life has meant feeling super sad, melancholy, and self-depricating. my therapist says that real depression is feeling sad to the point of it affecting everyday life - not being able to function, get out of bed, etc. she said that perhaps I've just had dysthymia - a less severe form of depression. but I did hit a low point a few months ago one weekend when I couldn't stop crying or get out of bed. part of it was circumstantial - circumstances that I'm not willing to talk about...but needless-to-say, I'm now taking an anti-depressant everyday. and when I need it, I take an anti-anxiety med (although my panic attacks have, for the most part, subsided).

I've been feeling better. my sadness, while it still lingers, lays just enough below the surface for me to not only function, but feel relatively normal 90% of the time...don't get me wrong, I still cry - I was crying today in fact - but overall, I'm better.

I don't like being on medication. my goal now is to find alternate methods of feeling better. so much is improving a situation that brought me here - but more than that is finding better coping mechanisms. I'm working on it. it will be, for sure, a work in progress.

I think writing is a huge part of me... in every way. writing right now has already made me feel better. so I'm looking forward to bringing it back. but no pressure. just taking it all one step of at a time.

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