7.31.2012

the old switch-er-rooo

as you might have witnessed on my vlog this past friday, things have been a little up and down for me emotionally since dropping my dose of viibryd from 30mg to 20mg. well - my emo-ness was assumed to be from the drop in dosage, but I suspect now that hormones may have been playing a bit of a role as well - since my womanly time started on sunday (I know, tmi...). anywho, today was switchy-switch day. I dropped the viibryd and am now taking 50mg of zoloft (the lowest dose).

the day started off ok. I was a little cranky when I woke up, but that was before I had eaten or taken anything at all. I ate my cereal and perused the little zolft pamphlet for possible side effects....possible weight loss, possible increase in appetite (?!), long-term erections...blahblahblah.  I had plans and goals for the day...long walk before it got too hot (I was still sweating!)...clean out my car...plant half-dead flowers (finally!)...pack for trip...clean house... nothing too stressful. so I got all of my dirty work done and got in the shower around 1pm. I had really been feeling ok, relatively normal and whatnot and then, all of a sudden... I'm doing my washing and finishing up my shower business when I felt this overwhelming need to sit down. in the shower. with the water running. so I kind of crouched down and rested my head against the tub and I kind of started crying. and I was thinking to myself, wtf?! like, seriously, what's going on? c'mon girl, stand up. you're starting to lose feeling in your ankles and feet (because I was crouching weird)! so after like two minutes I stood up and almost immediately was again overcome with a sense that I must sit down. not because I felt like I was going to pass out, but because I felt like that was what I needed to do right then and there. and then there I was, on the floor of the tub, in the middle of the shower, sitting - sobbing uncontrollably. and all I kept thinking was how I could not stand up. like I was thinking, stand up! and then I would think, (sobsob) I can't stand up!

I have to say, this did not completely feel like one of my normal panic attacks. I didn't have any weird feeling in my chest like I usually get. and it wasn't triggered by anything - which they usually are. I can't even really remember what I was thinking about right before it happened. it was just like a normal shower... shampoo, condition, shave legs, wash with soap, wash face, rinse, get out... except I didn't get out. I sat down. and cried. a lot.

I finally got myself to call out for my husband because I didn't know what else to do - oh, I forgot to mention too how I wasn't opening my eyes. don't ask me what that was about. but for a second I remember thinking how with my eyes closed I was in a different world - and once I opened them I would be back in the regular world (umm, what?!).

so my husband finally came in and asked me what was going on and he asked if I was having a panic attack, and at that point it hadn't even occurred to me that that was what was going on. gita was flipping out behind him so he couldn't really sit with me. all he said was, "come on, honey, get up. I'll take care of you." but he said it in such a soothing way that I thought all I had to do was just get up...

I took some serious deep breaths. and then more. and then I thought to myself that if I opened my eyes and didn't think about what was going on, I could just go on with my day. and then it just started to subside. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure I could have sat under that stream of water in the bottom of my tub all freaking day....

the rest of the day was a little shot though. I got up and out of the shower and got myself dressed and then realized that if I didn't talk about the panic attack out-loud then it would stay under the surface. and for about an hour afterwards I felt very much on the verge of crying. and then I was just tired. like turn out the lights, shut the curtains, don't bother me tired. I was all, oh, I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute... and then I was out for a good 45. I've kind of just been in a bit of a fog since then.

I'm not really sure what the point of me telling you this story would be... I guess because it was my weird moment of the day... or because I just need to get stuff like this out... I don't know. I don't know what the point of much is nowadays...

um, so, yea... I think I should go to sleep now....

1 comment:

Fresh Pastry Stand said...

Try taking your Z at night before bed. Hang in there XO