putting it to bed

I couldn't think of a good picture to use for this post... so a sleeping baby gita works,  right?

a few days ago I had the brilliant idea of writing a post about the idea of "blooping" from being a hare krishna devotee and talking about what that means in relative terms. since then I have learned that the word "bloop" is outdated and offensive and silly. well, I always knew it was offensive and silly... anyway, I have also come to the point where I kind of don't care anymore. let me say again that I truly appreciate all of the fb comments and private messages and emails that I have received from some of you. it feels good to know so many people care and that other people appreciate my need for (relatively) full disclosure. let me clarify a few things...

* my original post about the four regulative principles and chanting was not meant to criticize the process. I believe, to some extent, in the vaisnava (more or less hare krishna) philosophy at its core and understand why srila prabhupada, the founder of the ISKCON movement, put those rules in place back in the 1960s. I also understand that some people may still believe in the process that srila prabhupada put into place and practice it because it works for them. my point was that it doesn't (or hasn't up until this point) worked for me. and it was deeply depressing and frustrating to me to continue working that process and feeling like I was constantly beating a dead horse. not one process will work for every person. I need to find the process that's right for me - but more importantly I must be ready for that. in my heart of hearts I am praying that this process - or something very similar to this process - will work for me one day...whether that means in 6 months or 10 years or on my death bed, I don't know. but I want very badly to love krishna in a sincere way.

* I don't need to be preached to. listen, with all due respect, I've heard 99% of it before. and the only reason I say 99% is because I'm sure there's something I haven't heard before, but I doubt it will make a difference at this point. I'm ok with where I'm at in some sense. part of me isn't, but I think that part of me is still deeply searching for my *self* and to know what all of this insanity means. and by insanity I mean like everything in my life.

* I still think of myself, to an extent, as a devotee of krishna. I left ISKCON a long time ago when my guru did. I was happy to. the GBC never made sense to me and I didn't like these men (whose qualifications to rule my decisions in life were...?) telling me what I could and couldn't do (no chocolate, um, puh-lease!). but people who think I'm not a devotee because I don't chant or because I drink on occasion need to seriously 1. look in the mirror and 2. question what it means to actually BE a devotee. do I have a definitive answer for what is means to be a devotee? no, but I know that indulging in certain things doesn't disqualify a person. so if you see me at a class or a festival please don't think it's weird. and yes, I'll probably even wear a sari. and a bindi. yep.

* I'm an adult and I make my own decisions. there's this thing that my students say... "I do what I want when I want. don't tell me what to do." yes, that's very immature, but let's face it, some (most?) people are oppositional by nature. if you tell me what to do I am most likely going to get the urge to do the exact opposite. I like to learn things my way, which is often the hard way. I've been like that my whole life and I've come to accept it. I think it's ok to learn our own lessons.

at this point I'm kind of sick of the whole topic. I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me or try to convince me that drinking is evil and wrong or whatever. I'm a big girl. really. so for now I'd like to put this topic to rest and go back to talking about my mundane nonsense. goodnight.


Leslie Howard said...

I'm just loving your lucidity. Yeah, I'll probably put on a gopi dress and bindi Saturday (vending at Gita Nagari RY festival) and it will be weird and hopefully fun and profitable!


India said...

The word "blooper" makes me laugh every time I read it.