today I was doing my usual daily blog hopping and happened upon one of my favorite blogs. a fantastically creative artist who just moved out to portland and is re-starting art school. all I could think while I was reading and looking at her pictures was how much I longed to be a talented and creative art school girl. I know it sounds dumb. but then I started thinking how I kind of wished I had done it all differently. I wished I had toughed it out and become more of a nyc girl during my first semester of college (I went to a school in manhattan for my first semester, but then transferred back to a state school in nj when I could no longer handle the intense and ever present smell of urine in the city). I wished I had sent out that completely filled-out grad school application and went off to get my MFA in creative writing in hippie land colorado. I wished I hadn't been so crazy. if only I had known then what I know now.
but I know. it's not good to live with regrets. and I wouldn't say I have regrets, necessarily. I know, also, that things happen the way they are meant to, and that if things hadn't happened the way they did I might not have my daughters or my husband, and what not. but sometimes I still wonder, in a longing way, what might have been if I had just done some things differently. if I had quieted myself more and listened a little but closer to my self.
now I'm trying to listen. but the voice is still quiet. part of me is starting to become content with where I am in my life. I fought for a long time against where I was in my career, and it made life miserable. now I'm at a place where (I think) I'm starting to accept it, almost embrace it, and it's making life (or work at least) a little more enjoyable. I think I'm also almost there in terms of where I live. for years I have longed to live anywhere but here. it kind of reminds me of this spanish saying I read in a book once (I wish I could remember the name...): con las patas caliente - literally "with hot feet" - but when the author of the book translated it (I met her at a school function), she said it meant "your feet are burning to be anywhere else but here" and that is how I've felt forever. but I'm starting to realize that maybe this is where I'm supposed to be. I don't know why yet, because lord knows it's not my ideal place. but getting out would take so much of an endeavor. I think when the time is right and the place is right, it will come easily.
today I spent some time researching the possibility of pursuing one of my many tiny dreams. it seems like it may actually be possible - and with very little effort. well, the actual pursuing starting it - actually doing it would be work - but that's ok. anyway, all in good time. we'll see. and isn't that the perfect attitude? one of detachment... we'll see... I guess we'll see how long that attitude lasts too!