random thursday ~ the dark place and stuff

I found out this week that I gained almost 10lbs since I came back to work from my maternity leave. I worked really hard to lose almost 50lbs on WW while I was away from work, and the fact that I've gained back so much is so insanely depressing to me. I won't go back on WW because I'm really at a point where it kind of stops working and I just bounce around a pound here and a pound there and pay them a lot of money for nothing. I started doing what I like to call the Quantum Wellness detox - though, I think it's a pretty popular detox that wasn't made up by Kathy Freston necessarily. basically it's refraining from animal products (including dairy - which is the hard part for me - I'm veg, but not vegan), gluten, sugar, alcohol, and caffeine. I don't drink, so the alcohol part is no problem. I'm actually not giving up caffeine... because seriously, I'd jump off a bridge right now if I couldn't drink my daily zen green. the no gluten is a huge challenge, but really, the hardest has been the abstaining from sugar. I had the realization that I have something sweet after almost every meal.... and then many times in between meals as well. I've been jonesin' for something sweet for days and now I'm just flat out depressed. like seriously fiending-no-more-sugar-crack depressed. my husband said to me tonight that he felt like there was a black cloud over my head. and I've been super moody, like snapping at dumb stuff for no reason and going to what jd and I call "the dark place", which is where I go in my head to think about all of the negative stuff about myself. I've had serious self-loathing issues my whole life, but man, I haven't felt it this intensely for a long time. ugh, I don't even want to think about it. but really, I'm thinking about it nonstop.

anyway, I've been trying to stay strong and not break down. I used to have super-hero strength will-power... how else would I have been able to do the master cleanse like four times?! and if it wasn't for the fact that I'm still nursing, I'd TOTALLY be doing that right now. but I digress... I've been drinking this smoothie recipe from my bff lynn's blog. I've since become a huge fan of cacoa. it's bitter, but then again, so am I. ha! actually, tonight I put a tiny bit of agave in it and it took the edge off the bitterness and while I was drinking it I was thinking to myself that if I could just drink that damn smoothie all day I'd be in a much better mood.

drinking my cacoa smoothing from my hulk glass. me hulk. me smash.

on another note, I've been trying to get in the groove with my crocheting. I was trying to do the crochet school through the crafty minx, but I kind of got frustrated with that fact that when I tried to talk to the video tutorial, it wouldn't talk back. ha! what I mean is that I realized I really needed someone to help me in person, so my friend dayna and I had a quick meet up during a playdate and she gave me some tips. my work is still pretty messy, but I'm hoping that practice will make perfect.

the early stages of my practice crochet piece.
the other day I came across this post on tera sue's blog and was totally blown away! I love this idea - like in the way that I now have a total girl crush on madeline, but also in a way like I wish I had thought of it!! but since I didn't, and we're almost already a whole month into 2012, I thought maybe I could do it on a smaller scale - like just do a month instead of a year. at first I thought I would do it just about my day-in-the-life, but then I thought maybe it would be less narcissistic if I did one about gita's every day. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm playing with the idea. maybe I'll do it up in february! take a gander at her 2011 video... and if you love her as much as I do, check out her other videos on vimeo too!

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