|pregnancy numero uno, right before the cervidil|
but I have to tell you. honestly. even after the crappy post-op recovery and a pooch that won't go away, I didn't feel cheated. I felt... well... a little... relieved. that baby - my first daughter, madhavi - was huge. 9lbs 1.5 oz. with a big head. seriously. big.
when I found out I was pregnant again in 2009 the idea of a vbac didn't even cross my mind to be honest. everything about giving birth in my mind was ruled by fear - fear that I would have another big baby, fear that my uterus would explode, fear that it would hurt. screw a water birth. just cut that baby out!
when my friend (the one I mentioned above) found out she was pregnant too (we were only days apart in our due dates) we were so excited! when she told me she was going to have a vbac I thought she was a little bit crazy. but hey, to each her own, right? and she really wanted to do it. like really. and honestly, I didn't think it would happen for her. but when it did, I was so happy for her. I never really thought about it much until this past week...
rewind to last year - oprah is having her farewell shows and one of them is a reunion of all of the legendary talk-show hosts - geraldo, sally jesse, donahue, and of course - ricki lake. during the segment with ricki lake they very briefly mentioned a film that she had produced called the business of being born. it looked kind of good, and I love a documentary as much as the next feminist-liberal, so I added it to my netflix que. fast forward to this weekend. I'm bored. I see the film is available for instant streaming. I watch.
and I am sad.
everything in that film about how women get pressured to have c-sections was my story - to the induction, to the use of drugs, all of it. it was my original story. and the second time around not one doctor suggested that I might try a vbac. not one. I watched birth after birth in that movie, and with each one I became more and more sad. and while I know things happen for a reason and that growing another person in your body, no matter how s/he comes out is an accomplishment and that I can't change anything now, there is a little part of me that feels cheated. cheated out of the experience, cheated out of that accomplishment. on top of it all, gita was smaller than madhavi at birth - by almost 2 lbs! and she had a tiny little head that every time I looked at, I couldn't help but think, "I could of pushed that out..." sigh. oh well.
and no, if you're wondering, I don't feel cheated enough to have more children. :)
but really, see this film. see this film if you're a woman who had a c-section. see this film if you're pregnant. see this film if you want to have children. really, just see this film!
|pregnancy numero dos, after fasting for almost 15 hours for a scheduled c-section|