right now, in this moment, I wonder how much longer I can do this - this being my current every day life. I am tired. and I don't mean just physically - I mean in every way a human being, a soul, can be tired. when my menstrual cycle is almost ten days late I go and buy a pregnancy test. my husband says it's impossible - we don't even have sex (this is not because we are such strict devotees... we're just too tired). he says I'm just stressed. it's stress. I shrug it off - no, it's not stress... I don't feel stressed. I feel normal. tired and tense is normal. duh.
the test comes out negative. I get my period a day later. stress. right.
and then I want to cry. because this is my life. my life is two jobs. my life is hardly seeing my husband. my life is coming home to my daughter already in bed, half-asleep. my life is too tired to cook so just grab anything. my life is never chanting. my life is never think of Krsna. my life - this life - is not what it was supposed to be. but it is what I deserve, what I owe.
and I just wonder if I will make it to my last payment.