this moment of being

right now, in this moment, I wonder how much longer I can do this - this being my current every day life. I am tired. and I don't mean just physically - I mean in every way a human being, a soul, can be tired. when my menstrual cycle is almost ten days late I go and buy a pregnancy test. my husband says it's impossible - we don't even have sex (this is not because we are such strict devotees... we're just too tired). he says I'm just stressed. it's stress. I shrug it off - no, it's not stress... I don't feel stressed. I feel normal. tired and tense is normal. duh.
the test comes out negative. I get my period a day later. stress. right.
and then I want to cry. because this is my life. my life is two jobs. my life is hardly seeing my husband. my life is coming home to my daughter already in bed, half-asleep. my life is too tired to cook so just grab anything. my life is never chanting. my life is never think of Krsna. my life - this life - is not what it was supposed to be. but it is what I deserve, what I owe.
and I just wonder if I will make it to my last payment.


Jayadeva said...

Well you know the ol' parable of the King that wanted to remain equipoised in the face of happiness and distress, so his spiritual advisor etched onto a coin, "This too shall pass". Whenever the King was elated and over-joyed about something, he would look at the coin, "This too shall pass". And whenever there was some terrible suffering he would look at the coin, "This too shall pass".

Sometimes when we're down in the thick of it, we can't see the bigger picture. We can't see how our lives are incredibly short and how time is constantly changing our situations. From the perspective of the demigods our lives are insignificant flashes, coming and going in an instant. So it's really all relative. What may seem like an eternity to us is really not that long at all.

Also, when we don't live in the moment the past and the future can be overwhelming. If we truly live in the moment and try to see every moment as Krishna's arrangement, then we won't be so overwhelmed by our apparent suffering, whether it be mental, emotional or physical. I know, I know...easier said than done.

Trust me: it won't always be so crazy like this. It may SEEM like it will, but it won't be. It only seems that way in your mind, but the reality is that time is constantly changing our situations. And even if it doesn't change completely to our liking (which it never does, because this is the material world!), then we can change our consciousness, change our perspective, change our attitudes toward the external world around us.

Anyway, I have to leave for work, but I hadn't seen this post of yours and I wanted to say some words of encouragement. It's really not that bleak. It's just our minds that make it so. Trust me, I know about the mind making things worse than they really are and making things darker and bleaker than they really are. I think we need to stop listening to our minds. Mind Listeners Anonymous.

Devadeva Mirel said...

your husband is so encouraging.

jayadeva, will you marry me?

kmala--i can totally relate. totally. totally. totally. but you already know this.

x's and o's!

i can't say it will get better but i can say it won't stay the same.

kiriti dasi said...

oh how i love you for your honesty. although i don't work 2 jobs i can relate. but look on the bright side jayadeva is awesome. some people go there whole lives without someone like him.

kmala said...

honey - I love you, but you talk to much. geeze. ;)

ddd - no sister wives here, sister! ;)

kiriti - I know, you're totally right. I'm very lucky and should stop being such a complaining brat. at least I don't live in a tent made of tarps with no bathroom, right?

Devadeva Mirel said...

ummm...this moment is really dragging on!!!

new post!

4VISHNU said...

Hare Krsna! I second the comment that "this too shall pass." Life isn't easy, and living as a devotee makes it harder. I can't say that things will get better. It hasn't been my experience... things just keep changing. One humbling situation just transitions to another...

I was born in an Indian family, so I feel that I have been haunted by Krsna my entire life. I love Him, and even when I feel that I don't, I can't give Him up. I struggle with Him, and He (seemingly) struggles with me. Its like the scene from the Old Testament when Jacob fights the angel of God...and gets the name Israel, which means "Struggling with God" (I think).

Just use your desperation to surrender to Krsna in the heart. I'm sure He loves devotees in desperate situations (look at all the stories in the SB!). My struggle isn't the same, but the magnitude and effect of it on me is the same - tiring and stressful, with no end in sight. Take heart... you're not alone, and Krsna sees everything within and without...