last thursday was my last official day at work for the school year. we had a department meeting in the morning to discuss next year's schedule and my boss misunderstood something I said and decided to dump his personal "stuff" all over me. that's really a long story, but the point of me bringing it up is that I went all emotional. even though I knew I didn't really do anything wrong, his reaction to me and what he said to me was like a slap in the face. it got my mind and ego going crazy - not outloud, but inside my head. I'm way too professional to go off on my boss, so I just let it all out inside... which lead to my emo rest of the day. I'm an ugly crier, even when I don't really cry - my eyes get all big and puffy and red, as well as around my mouth and nose. it's so not pretty.
anyway, in my distress I was thinking a lot about my options. I seriously considered just quitting. I thought I'd rather be homeless than work for such an ass or for a place that doesn't value what is best for it's students. then I weighed what that would mean in my life - the possibility of not finding another job, burning too many bridges, no health insurance/income, etc. so I started praying to krishna to please give me a sign of what I should do. then I started thinking about what that meant... a sign. it's not like god was going to start talking to me or anything, so how would I know?
ok - now a bit of more back story. I have this problem (ok, a lot of problems...) where sometimes I will see something in a store and really want it. but then I will talk myself out of buying it, thinking it is too expensive or I just don't need it, or whatever the case is. so a month or so ago I was in starbucks and they had these cute little handmade looking mugs. they were obviously meant for end of the school year gift giving as one said "inspire" and one said "grow". they were $9.99 each - which I find to be a bit steep for mugs. I thought to myself that even though I liked them, I shouldn't get them because what the heck do I need with two more mugs in my already packed kitchen cabinets? so I walked away from them... physically that is. then, as it sometimes happens with me, I couldn't stop thinking about these freakin' stupid mugs. but by the time I talked myself into getting them they were practically impossible to find! I must have went to five or six different starbucks just trying to find these mugs. as a last resort I tried the starbucks that is inside my local stop and shop, and low and behold there was the pink "inspire" mug - on clearance nonetheless! I was so excited... but the green "grow" mug was no where to be found. I looked all over that little kiosk and it simply wasn't there. oh well, I shrugged my shoulders and decided it must not have been in the fates for me to have both. c'est la vie.
some more time went by, and then it was last thursday. on my way home from my crap-ass day at work, I needed to stop at stop and shop to get some provisions for our trip to new vrindavan. as I walked past the starbucks kiosk I was looking downward....and there it was - pushed all the way towards the back of the shelf - all the way - my green "grow" mug. immediately I heard krishna talking to me through that mug... "grow".
but what does he mean, "grow"? how? in what way? quit my job and grow somewhere else? stay, grow, and transcend? oh, who knows. but what matters is that I knew in that instant that he was talking to me, answering my prayers. I may not always know what krishna is trying to tell me, but just knowing he is there is comforting enough.