a little background for my introduction: it is gaura purnima day. I am cooking palak panir for about 50 people for the evenings celebration. I'm on the phone with Kisori....(this is paraphrased a bit... but this is pretty much how it went)
Me: I hope this comes out ok...
Kisori: I'm sure it will.
Me: But I want people to think it's good. Is that bad?
Kisori: No, that's not bad. It's nice, you want to please Lord Caitanya.
Me: No, but I want people to think it's good. That's kind of bad.
Kisori: No, it's not. You want to please the devotees. That's good.
Me: Noooo, I want people to think it's good. Like I'm a good cook. I want people to tell me I'm a good cook. That's bad, right?
Kisori: Umm, well... hmmm...
How else could she have answered - of course it's bad! but at least I'm honest, right? the ego is always hungry... hungry for praise. I think mine, though, has an eating disorder.
Take for example my MA program. I already have a master's degree in education, so when I applied for the counseling program I had two choices: 1. I could go for the full 48 credit degree and take all of the classes necessary to get the paper at the end that declares I have an MA in counseling. OR 2. I could have gone for the counseling certificate, which would mean I didn't have to take the research seminar that is causing so much pain in my world now. but I wouldn't have been able to say, "Yes, well, I have two masters degrees..." WTF? why does it matter so much? who would even care? but no, the ego is so hungry. it is so hungry.
I realized long ago that I base my own worth on what I think other people think. After all, isn't that what it's about? it's not about what I think, or what you think, but what I think you think. deep. and even though I know this to my core, some how, I still can't help but function on this level. what's up with that?
I haven't been feeling very good about my self the past few weeks. I'm ready for spring to pick me up, but I think maybe I am too heavy.