the ego is always hungry

a little background for my introduction: it is gaura purnima day. I am cooking palak panir for about 50 people for the evenings celebration. I'm on the phone with Kisori....(this is paraphrased a bit... but this is pretty much how it went)

Me: I hope this comes out ok...

Kisori: I'm sure it will.

Me: But I want people to think it's good. Is that bad?

Kisori: No, that's not bad. It's nice, you want to please Lord Caitanya.

Me: No, but I want people to think it's good. That's kind of bad.

Kisori: No, it's not. You want to please the devotees. That's good.

Me: Noooo, I want people to think it's good. Like I'm a good cook. I want people to tell me I'm a good cook. That's bad, right?

Kisori: Umm, well... hmmm...

How else could she have answered - of course it's bad! but at least I'm honest, right? the ego is always hungry... hungry for praise. I think mine, though, has an eating disorder.

Take for example my MA program. I already have a master's degree in education, so when I applied for the counseling program I had two choices: 1. I could go for the full 48 credit degree and take all of the classes necessary to get the paper at the end that declares I have an MA in counseling. OR 2. I could have gone for the counseling certificate, which would mean I didn't have to take the research seminar that is causing so much pain in my world now. but I wouldn't have been able to say, "Yes, well, I have two masters degrees..." WTF? why does it matter so much? who would even care? but no, the ego is so hungry. it is so hungry.

I realized long ago that I base my own worth on what I think other people think. After all, isn't that what it's about? it's not about what I think, or what you think, but what I think you think. deep. and even though I know this to my core, some how, I still can't help but function on this level. what's up with that?

I haven't been feeling very good about my self the past few weeks. I'm ready for spring to pick me up, but I think maybe I am too heavy.


Devadeva dasi said...

in my humble opinion, it's not bad. just mixed.

if the motivation of praise or good public opinion inspires you to do your service nicely...if you get some glory and you are able to use that to glorify krishna...then that is not the highest but it is not the lowest.

who is free from sex desire?

kmala said...

free from sex desire?

Devadeva dasi said...

sorry, we were reading eleventh canto yesterday. there was a story about a pigeon and there was the story about pingala. i guess sex desire was really on my mind.

but sex desire (lust) does get played out in different ways. this whole material energy is moving on account of lust. pratishta (distinction) is just another form of lust.

you know all this, why am i telling you?

i guess it sounds weird, to just throw "sex desire" around since the popular connotation is SEX!!! but it doesn't have to be so gross.

isn't that women are more into the subtle aspects of sex desire than men? we want our house to be decorated nicely, we want people (men and women) to think we are attractive, we want people to think we are good cooks, good mothers, capable, smart, funny and have a good singing voice.

the chains that bind.

kmala said...

acha,now I see your angle.I don't know if I would connect it that way, but I see where you're coming from.