3.25.2008

because I said I would try harder...

I'm writing because I said I would, though I don't have much of interest to say.

I'm becoming more productive as Thursday looms closer. I didn't get to finish chapter one of my thesis project on Monday like I had wanted to. the three pages that I have done were extremely painful...I'm still working slowly, though, and getting little things accomplished.

I realized today that I don't have time to think about Krishna. that makes me so sad. I realized this as I was running on the treadmill thinking about my paper. in fact, that's all I think about, pretty much. that and all of the other things I have to get done, like grade papers, and write cover letters, and send out resumes, and prepare for classes, and review academic literature, and pay bills, and exercise, and and and... well just about everything except Krishna. my guru maharaj always says that we have to make time in our lives for Krishna. times in our day, like japa; times in the week, like programs; times in the month, like ekadasi; times in the year, like pilgrammage and festivals; and times in our lives, like vanaprast and sannyasa. my problem is that I keep thinking I'll make time, and it never quite comes. but death can come at any time... any time - and what will I do when I am not prepared? what will I do when it is too late?

my life is full of excuses, rationalization, and justifications. this is not humility or an attempt at being humble - this just is. and it's sad.

4 comments:

Devadeva dasi said...

isn't running on a treadmill, like, boring?

i am impressed that you are able to go through that austerity.

kmala said...

it's all about the senses. I listen to karmi music and read karmi books. I could think of lots of ways it would be boring. sometimes I even grade papers in between jogs. have to multi-task.

Devadeva dasi said...

i get it, you crank up the new kids on the block and let it all go!!!

kmala said...

hangin' tough!