3.27.2008

my new obsession: anamalz

oh, I love these and am on a mission to collect them all...

check out their website: http://www.anamalz.com/

oh, and my ex-husband thinks it's perfectly acceptable for madhavi to have a bratz doll. wtf? I hate hypocrites. and I have no problem publicly announcing that.

3.26.2008

sleep to dream

so remember how I said all I could think about was my thesis? well, I ended up dreaming about it last night - tosssing and turning. I have to say, though, that I feel like I got quite a bit accomplished today. I got a big chunk of my IRB application done (what I have to do to get my research approved by the state), got most of my ungraded papers graded, and sent out some resumes. I also fit in seeing one of my clients at work and even wrote up my progress notes.

but I was so super stressed out. all I could think about was some way of letting it out. in fact, all I could think about was whether I should go shop it out or eat myself silly. which would be the most pleasureable now and least painful later? I went for the shopping, but made my husband come with me so I wouldn't go too crazy. he's usually the voice of reason (though I am questioning the monkey dish towels he let me buy when we already have plethora of unused dish towels in the closet). I can't say I feel all that much better - but I got an email from my thesis advisor that said something like, "I'm impressed with the progress you have made." now, coming from him I'm not sure how to take that - but the way I choose to take it, it makes me feel better.

I'm just hoping that tonight will hold sweeter dreams.

3.25.2008

because I said I would try harder...

I'm writing because I said I would, though I don't have much of interest to say.

I'm becoming more productive as Thursday looms closer. I didn't get to finish chapter one of my thesis project on Monday like I had wanted to. the three pages that I have done were extremely painful...I'm still working slowly, though, and getting little things accomplished.

I realized today that I don't have time to think about Krishna. that makes me so sad. I realized this as I was running on the treadmill thinking about my paper. in fact, that's all I think about, pretty much. that and all of the other things I have to get done, like grade papers, and write cover letters, and send out resumes, and prepare for classes, and review academic literature, and pay bills, and exercise, and and and... well just about everything except Krishna. my guru maharaj always says that we have to make time in our lives for Krishna. times in our day, like japa; times in the week, like programs; times in the month, like ekadasi; times in the year, like pilgrammage and festivals; and times in our lives, like vanaprast and sannyasa. my problem is that I keep thinking I'll make time, and it never quite comes. but death can come at any time... any time - and what will I do when I am not prepared? what will I do when it is too late?

my life is full of excuses, rationalization, and justifications. this is not humility or an attempt at being humble - this just is. and it's sad.

3.24.2008

the ego is always hungry

a little background for my introduction: it is gaura purnima day. I am cooking palak panir for about 50 people for the evenings celebration. I'm on the phone with Kisori....(this is paraphrased a bit... but this is pretty much how it went)

Me: I hope this comes out ok...

Kisori: I'm sure it will.

Me: But I want people to think it's good. Is that bad?

Kisori: No, that's not bad. It's nice, you want to please Lord Caitanya.

Me: No, but I want people to think it's good. That's kind of bad.

Kisori: No, it's not. You want to please the devotees. That's good.

Me: Noooo, I want people to think it's good. Like I'm a good cook. I want people to tell me I'm a good cook. That's bad, right?

Kisori: Umm, well... hmmm...

How else could she have answered - of course it's bad! but at least I'm honest, right? the ego is always hungry... hungry for praise. I think mine, though, has an eating disorder.

Take for example my MA program. I already have a master's degree in education, so when I applied for the counseling program I had two choices: 1. I could go for the full 48 credit degree and take all of the classes necessary to get the paper at the end that declares I have an MA in counseling. OR 2. I could have gone for the counseling certificate, which would mean I didn't have to take the research seminar that is causing so much pain in my world now. but I wouldn't have been able to say, "Yes, well, I have two masters degrees..." WTF? why does it matter so much? who would even care? but no, the ego is so hungry. it is so hungry.

I realized long ago that I base my own worth on what I think other people think. After all, isn't that what it's about? it's not about what I think, or what you think, but what I think you think. deep. and even though I know this to my core, some how, I still can't help but function on this level. what's up with that?

I haven't been feeling very good about my self the past few weeks. I'm ready for spring to pick me up, but I think maybe I am too heavy.

3.22.2008

this might make you uncomfortable or just plain offend you.

ok, now I have to admit, I've just been neglecting you. don't get mad. it's not personal. but really, I've been avoiding doing pretty much everything except the things I need to do to survive, like eating (oh plenty of that) and sleeping (never enough of that). I have sooooo much work to do it's disgusting. I've been on spring break from my grad studies and my part-time college teaching gig, but not from my regular work. it's felt good to be able to just come home and do nothing. I've been going to the gym - which I think has been giving me headaches (that's a whole other story). anyway, as you might have noticed in my last entry, I do have quite a bit of work to do for school. just because it's spring break doesn't mean I'm off the hook. I did decide to go with "attachment styles of second generation non-indian born hare krishnas". I think it will be interesting and a relatively simple data collection. but for some reason I'm SUPER avoiding doing any actual writing. I keep telling myself that on Monday (a day off of everything) I am going to spend however many hours necessary in the library writing my chapter one. oh, but then there are all the papers I have to grade for my occ classes - oh, and I have to prepare for my tuesday class.... we're moving into poetry. I probably need to vaccum or dust or give the dog a bath too. let's see how many more things I can come up with to do other than what I am supposed to do.
ok, I admit it, I am a notorious procrastinator. it's kind of the best way I work - i.e. leaving it until the last possible second and then producing my best work. a lot of people are like that. right?

on another note, krishna is changing things up once again. I was set on going to the Philadelphia temple from now on...but then madhavi got moved into a more advanced bharat natyam class, which just happens to meet on Sunday's from 4-5. the program in Philly starts at 5, so it would be impossible to make it there. so as it goes, against my desires, we will most likely be going to the edison temple now. it's not that the edison temple is bad, it's just not my mood. it's not really inspiring to me... but maybe I need to look at it differently. after all... it shouldn't be about me, right?

gaura purnima yesterday was nice. I got to spend it with my guru, which is always a plus. he did a program at the radha-damodar temple/yoga studio in manhattan. there weren't that many people there, which was nice too. when I got there there were just three or four people there and my one god brother who was supposed to be doing kirtan had to run out for something so my guru maharaj asked me to lead... now I've been neglecting everything pretty much (remember?) so I haven't been practicing my harmonium lately... but I did practice this one tune the past day or two, so I wasn't completely horrible. just kind of rusty. anyway, I digress - the program was nice. maharaj gave some nice gaura-katha and we had a nice feast. I have to say, I'm mad that I didn't bring my camera to take pictures of the deities there - They are sooooooooo beautiful! I absolutely love the mood of the whole place, but Their altar especially makes me think of vrindavan. it's hard to describe - but you should go there and see Them. really.

today on my ride home from another program, I was thinking about this blog. I was thinking about how I purposely named it every day just write with the intention of doing just that. I can't tell you how many years I have made the resolution to write something - anything - every day, just for the practice and sake of doing it. I've never kept that one. but I should. though I really shouldn't tell myself what I should do - they say that in counseling all the time - but really, I should do it. I need to do it. but there are so many things I need that I neglect. I do the exact opposite, in fact - I do all of the things that make my life uncomfortable in pursuance of that which will make me comfortable. when will I learn?

on that note, here comes the thing that might make you uncomfortable or just plain offend you...this is kind of my disclaimer - but really, this is funny as all heck, and so applicable to my existance right now... so I'm sorry if it makes you feel icky.

3.12.2008

help...please!

ok, so my anxiety level is at an all time high and I'm super desperate. here's the story...

this semester I am taking the first section of my two part thesis class... i.e. the class where I have to do academic research and complete a length master's level thesis (50ish pages). I need to suppose an issue and hypothesize about it.

my problem: I hate every topic I think of. or they're too complicated. or too annoying. or just boring. please help me!

today I came up with the brilliant idea of trying to do something related to devotees... like "attachment styles of second generation non-indian born hare krishna's".... or "second generation non-indian born hare krishna devotee's attitudes on marriage and divorce"...but I'm not sure exactly what I would be measuring, or the purpose of measuring it.

so anyone, with any ideas, please help!! keep in mind that I need to be able to access some kind of reliable academic literature and do some kind of study and analysis of data. and it needs to be approved by the state - i.e. cleared by the powers that be so they know I won't hurt or permanently traumatize any one. and it needs to not suck.

send me your thoughts, ideas, anything... but send them soon!

3.05.2008

I know you must be thinking I don't love you any more...

but really, I've just been busy. well, that's all relative I suppose. I spent all of last week preparing for my comprehensive exams - aka three hours of brain vomitting information onto a page, by hand! when I woke up on sunday I was almost catatonic from the stress of the day before. so I've spent most of this week trying to become a real person again.
so there hasn't been much inspiriation or push for writing. but I'm feeling the pull now. so soon, soon I will birth some more.
hang tight, or tough as the new kids used to say...

okok, just a little something to tide you over: my husband somehow found this artist, whose work I am now madly in love with.

check her out: Kelly Vivanco