I. need. more.

a few days ago I was sitting at my computer, wasting time, when madhavi came running into my bedroom, laughing to herself. she handed me this picture and said, "here, look I drew a picture for you. this is you!" this is exactly how she gave it to me. you can see on the side is a caption which reads, "I need more!" when I asked her what this meant she laughed and shrugged her shoulders and said, "I don't know, I think you need more hair in this picture." when I inquired about the quesiton mark next to my brain, my mind, she didn't give me a straight answer. I didn't want to push her... I've learned that sometimes when I push for an answer it becomes forced and not honest. I've found that her first reactions are generally the authentic ones. the innocent child ones. I also asked her about the red in the corners of my eyes - my first instinct telling me that this must be her sensing my constant underlying stress and anger... but no, she said it was just the inside of my eyes (duh!).

how can my daughter, at six, know me so well? I am constantly needing more... more from myself, more from others, more from life, more from Sri Krishna. there is never enough. I am never satisfied.

and how can she see my confusion... my doubt, my insecurity.

she is such a mirror of me. she is every thing in me that I fight. every thing in my that I love. every thing in me that I turn from, hide from, deny. she is every thing I have ever wanted, and so much more.

if you ask madhavi who she is, part of her answer will inevitably include "an artist". I prayed for this when I was pregnant with her. I wanted a great artist, singer, and dancer. I bowed my head and with folded palms asked the all-benedicting Srimati Radharani to please make my child healthy and talented. indeed, She fulfills all desires.

tonight, on the eve of madhavi's sixth birthday, I am refelcting on who she is, who she will become. I know that she is truly a special soul; I only wish I could be more for her.

1 comment:

kiriti dasi said...

very nice post. it literally brought tears to my eyes. happy birthday madhavi.