1.18.2008

something to do while I wait for my queen helene mint julip face mask to dry.

I have to be honest, I don't have much to say. I've been kind of depressed for the past few days. I feel really fat and ugly. I'm also feeling really helpless and hopeless in light of me adding up all of my debt and realizing that even if I make the best budget/plan ever, I won't even be able to pay it all off in 4 years because the income just isn't there - even with working two mother f'ing jobs, plus my husbands income. it makes me hate living in america, oh hell, living in the material world. I often say to krishna, "listen," (and yes, I feel like I have a close enough relationship with the Supreme Being to tell Him to "listen")...."if You would just make me comfortable here I would be able to serve You so much better - and then we would both be happy." as if His happiness is reliant upon mine.
who do I think I'm fooling, any way???
I can't help it though. I have OCD problems. when I am in a store and I see something I like, there is no point in resisting it, because what will happen is that I will become obsessed with it and not be able to stop thinking about it until I have it. then, god forbid, I try to resist and decide to go back and get it later and then it's not there - then I am really in trouble. in my own defense, I'm not like those crazy ladies you see on Oprah, who spend like $500 in one trip and do that several times a week. I'm pretty small potatos compared to that - but the point is that it's getting to the point where soon I will just be making minimum payments... and that will lead to not being able to make payments at all... and then it will just get worse and worse. so I need to figure something out, and figure it out fast.
one of my conseling gurus told me (as I think I stated before) that the only person I'm deceiving is myself. I thought that if I added up all of the debt and made a plan that I would be making a step in the right direction. I considered posting the amount publicly as a way to hold myself accountable. I even considered having a t-shirt made saying something like, "I'm $xx,xxx in debt - stop me if I'm buying something!" but then I figured that would cost money. it's so embarrassing too. I've always tried to be the controller in my life (that's a whole other issue!!) and have realized that this is one thing I've failed to control. why can't I just stop, fix it? I don't know. I really don't.
this is so depressing.
and now my face is dry. I should go wash it off, the mask that is... not my face!

3 comments:

brew27 said...

ya know what's messed up... I do the same thing... I see something that grabs my attention (ie: my pretty new MacBook) and I mentally obsess over it until it become mine... must have been something in our environment I suppose...

kiriti dasi said...

kadamba i really love your honesty. its a step in the right direction just to realize that there is a problem. good luck. and if it helps at all i have debt also and so do most people.

Devadeva dasi said...

what about making the t-shirts and selling them...