lists are my go-to

some pieces of today.

1. as I already inquired on fb: how is it only tuesday?! (this was actually one of my first thoughts this morning)

2. I thought the bhutas didn't come out during the brahma muhurta? I swear I got clamped this morning - around 5ish. it felt really real. but then again, maybe it was just part of my dream? - which was also super weird. but I don't remember it clearly enough to explain. but I do remember feeling like I was shouting the maha-mantra and "RADHE RADHE!!" really loud, but I wasn't because I wasn't actually awake... and I was feeling the clamp!

3. I hate the new credit cards with the chips in them that you have to stick into the machine and leave there. it really irks me for some reason.

4. ever not remember what you did in the shower? like you're standing there and all of a sudden you're like, "whoa, wait a minute? did I shampoo my hair already??" yea, I'm pretty sure I washed my face twice this morning.

5. I need like three more hours in a day. maybe four, actually. even if I spend them doing nothing or sleeping, I still need them.

6. I ordered 51 copies of my poetry book today. it's weird. and scary. and crazy. and idk and stuff.

7. now that it's getting crisper outside, we don't leave tulsi out or put her out in the morning. so she doesn't go outside until I get home. I moved her three different times so she could get some direct sunlight.

8. is it friday yet?

9. I wore the bunny dress today.

hey little guy.


freewrite: sooooooo...

I had no idea what to write, so I just started writing. this is very disjointed and flow of consciousness - welcome to my brain. ha! anyway, writing every day is hard. when I asked gita what I should write about she said "cows burping". so yea, you can see where that ended up.


so, yea. here I am. again. my little office is cold year round it seems. in the summer our downstairs holds the cold from the a/c, and it seems like in the colder months it will be harder to keep warm. but I'm here none the less. my eyes are heavy. I meant to iron my dress for tomorrow - a cute black babydoll/swing style dress with grey bunnies. but now I'm too tired. I guess I'll wear something less wrinkley. I've been going pretty much nonstop since I got home from work - where I also feel like I was goinggoinggoing all day. though most of my "going" at work seems to be while sitting at my desk. when I think back, I didn't do anything particularly strenuous - I'm reading A Child Called "It" with my residents and we blazed through 27 pages. that's a lot for them to read in one sitting - it's basically reading bell-to-bell, which is intense for them. but we all want to be finished with the book so badly that they just powered through. I did some online browsing. madhavi needs jeans. there is a shirt from american eagle that I've been eyeing since the summer. I'm almost finished with the book I'm reading and trying to decide what is next, which means amazon scrolling. but I didn't buy anything. then checking emails, balancing my checkbook, grading papers, making some last minute changes to my poetry book manuscript. and then all of a sudden I'm home goinggoinggoing. emptying the dishwasher, chanting my japa, bringing the ladies to go get pumpkins, then making dinner - monday is one of my only free nights at home, so it's one of the only nights I have to cook. tonight was cornbread and four bean chili. plus gita needed a new batch of soup - she only eats lentil soup, basically. so there has to be some ready for her thermos for lunch tomorrow. I had to just go up to say goodnight to gita and she kept answering everything with "humpback whale" attached. like I said, "goodnight, gita. please stay in your bed tonight." and she replied, "ok humpback whale!" umm, ok? ha! she's such a weirdo, especially when she's punch-drunk tired. I think I'm going to end now. I've been trying to make a habit of reading for 30ish minutes when I'm home in the evenings, from 7:30-8. it doesn't happen every night, since, as I already said, I'm not home every evening, but it's nice to do when I'm here. so yea, I'm going to do that now. read, drink this cup of tea, and then zone out.


thanks, rahu.

I've known for a while now that my next major astrological period wasn't going to be a good one. and it's all about one planet: rahu.

I don't remember doing this, but I apparently endorse "rahu for president 2033"

I've been trying to keep a positive attitude about the whole thing - one astrologer (not the one I'm currently taking advice from) told me this would be a good time for me - spiritually. though we all know that a "good time spiritually" usually means lots of material suffering, so that's kind of a trap. ha! needless to say, since my rahu period started back in May of this year, things haven't been all that peachy. so I figured it might be good to reach out to my astrologer in vrndavan and see what's up and if maybe there was anything to be done (and by anything, I mean a fire yajna. if you're not familiar with what this means, the quick explanation is that the astrologer, who is also a high-class priest, does sacrifices of different articles (not animals!) while chanting mantras for a period of time (sometimes many days) in order to calm or appease the malefic planet in question.). I emailed him the other day and finally got to skype with him yesterday. as a side note, skyping with someone who is in vrndavan is kind of awesome just by itself - it's like vrndavan coming through the computer!!!

actually, first I got a disconcerting email from him that quickly explained that my rahu period would go from 2015-2033 and it "doesn't seem good period for you". I don't know about you, but an 18 year period that doesn't look good is kind of terrifying. luckily, even though he was real with me about it, he kind of settled my anxiety a little.

maybe I should make a short explanation of why rahu is bad. I don't know the whole story completely, but my understanding is that back in the day, rahu wanted to drink amrita - which is like the holiest nectar of the gods. the sun and moon saw this and they were like, "oh hell no!" and went and told vishnu, who swiftly cut off rahu's head before the nectar could be ingested. rahu felt some type of way about how the sun and moon snitched on him, so he's made it his (eternal) life's mission to battle them at all times.

this is important because some people say rahu isn't inherently bad. or that they had a rahu period and it wasn't bad at all - that maybe they actually had lots of positive things happen. of course, as with an astrological situation, it's a person-to-person situation. it just so happens that my major issue with rahu stems from the fact that the sun is my ruling planet and sits happily in my first house. so when rahu comes along, he just wants to fight with the sun. you know, because snitches get stitches.

but I digress.

first the kind of badbad news. I'm not only in an 18 year major rahu period, but a three year rahu sub period. double trouble rahu. this means that basically the next three years are going to suck ass. my astrologer said to basically have zero expectations of a positive outcome for anything. I won't feel like myself. he equated it to being in a really fast car that's stuck in traffic - it just wants to go, but literally can't. I can look forward to my mind being in a fog and feeling really depressed. oh, and probable marital difficulties. that's always a bonus. he emphasized that this is not the real me, and that I will often think to myself, "what is happening to me!?" and people will start to act differently towards me. so much to look forward tom right?!

and if this all wasn't totally awesome, then came the answer to one of my major questions - about my health. I was careful to not give him too much detail as I wanted to see what he was going to say. so I just alluded to the fact that I've been having some health issues that I was really concerned about and whether or not there was a connection. without telling him anything more than that he explained how rahu sits in the first house looking down at the seventh house and this explains problems with the lower organs. plus, each planet rules an internal part of the body (sun=life airs, moon=mind, etc) and rahu resides in the lower organs. this basically explains everything - last year my papsmear (sorry if this is tmi, but whatever) came back abnormal. I had pre-cancerous cells that had to be removed. this was, of course, terrifying. and the procedure was not only painful, but left me unable to do any kind of physical exercise for almost two months. when I went back for my follow-up pap, it came back clear, so I naturally relaxed a bit. I just recently went back for my annual check-up and my swab came back abnormal again. my doctor explained that the levels weren't as high as last year, which is good. but he was concerned enough to do a biopsy. luckily, the biopsy didn't show high levels of the cells, so he wants to just wait. but still. I'm simultaneously freaking out and in denial. but good old rahu is apparently hard at work in there.

so what's to do? I'll have a rahu yajna done - an 8-day fire sacrifice that will hopefully keep him from banging on the door for at least a year. my astrologer says I'll probably have to do one every year just keep rahu in check. I guess if that's what it takes. it seems like it's either that or putting some rocks in my pockets and walking to the river.

in the spirit of keeping everything on the light side, here are my proposed tshirt designs for #doublerahu20152018



the problem with trying to write every day is that I have to actually have something to write about. I suppose I actually have a ton of things I could write about, but writing requires a certain kind of energy that I just don't feel like I have tonight... or most of the time for that matter, which is probably why I don't do it as much as I should. I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that a good portion of my writing has become just making lists. five things I did today; ten things that annoy me; today's to-do list; what I need from the grocery store, etc. it is what it is, I suppose. maybe I should just be grateful for the process and just do it without overthinking or talking about doing it.

five things I did today:

* skyped with my astrologer (a whole post in itself!)

* went to a lovely baby shower brunch

* took a bad-ass nap

* took gita to get her halloween costume

* kept breathing.

I guess that's that for today.


lilith fair

this afternoon while I was driving madhavi to her dad's for the weekend, I got the urge to put on some music. I often drive in silence so as to better hear the chatter in my brain - but it felt too quiet all around. I couldn't really decide what to put on and as I was thinking about it, this conversation I had with two of my god-siblings popped into my head. we were eating lunch together one afternoon this past august at the bhakti immersion retreat, chitchatting and prajalpa-ing and though I can't completely remember the context, I said something about how I never really listened to hard-core music before I met the devotees. I think in my first year or so as a new bhaktin, I listened to a little shelter and 108, but meh, not my speed. so the obvious question from my friends was about what kind of music I was into. I'm always a little embarrassed to answer this question, because there aren't many devotees who share my musical taste (for some very odd reason). I think I answered something like, "I don't know, like girlie music - tori amos, alanis morissette... like that." they both kind of laughed and one of them said, "so like lilith fair music?" and then we all kind of laughed together - though I think they were both laughing at me. ha!

anyway, stream of consciousness... this made me think of ani difranco and I realized I hadn't listened to her in forever! so I put on some playlist that I made ages ago and just soaked up how awesome she is. how could I forget???

madhavi didn't like her at first - but after a few songs in she said she wasn't so bad. and then I was thinking how I should make her a playlist of awesome 90s(ish) girl music...I mean, taylor swift is great and stuff... but she wouldn't be so awesome if it wasn't for the ladies who came before her!

I have to really think about it more, but here are a few of the songs I would put on the playlist:

* tori amos - silent all these years

* alanis morissette - head over feet (but acoustic... because.)

* fiona apple - sleep to dream

* pj harvey - man-size

* ani difranco - both hands

* bjork - like someone in love

* liz phair - extraordinary

* lisa loeb - stay

* natalie merchant - carnival

there are so many more I could add. these were just the first artists/songs that popped into my head. and if I added more recent stuff, this list could go on and on! #90sforlife ha!

90s girlie music me. taken at the talent show my junior year, when my band, ophelia's soupe, won playing a tori amos song! 

p.s. I've never been to the lilith fair. just for the record.