3.03.2016

letter two

dearest younger me,

everything will get better. actually, it will get a little worse, but then it will get better. there will be a few times in life like that - the getting worse before it gets better. but it always gets better.

you will always be ok. even when you think you won't be - you will always be ok.

you are enough. you will think that that boy is the only one who will make you feel like you are worth something, but let me tell you - you are enough. sometimes for some people you will even be more than enough (that's meant to be a bit of a tongue-in-cheek joke... but you probably know that, because, well, duh, you think you're hilarious!).

trust your gut. listen more to the people who care about you. but mostly, always listen to your intuition. it's never wrong.

keep writing. don't stop. apply to that damn graduate program! you'll regret that you didn't.

speaking of regrets... you'll have a lot. but it's ok (remember I said you'll always be ok??). regrets aren't bad like most people say. they will help remind you of how you will become who you will be. and even though there will be lots of painful things you have to work through you will eventually be glad that they happened to you or that you got through that pain because you are slated to be someone bigger and better than you think you could ever be. and I don't mean this in a like, "omg, you're going to be so famous!" kind of way. I mean it like you're going to help and touch and be meaningful to others and that's important. (by the way, "omg" means "oh my god" - it's from the future and things here are so much weirder than you could ever imagine!)

you'll know your teacher when you see him. you'll never doubt him - I can promise you that. but try not to stray too much from him or your faith. he will save you so many times even though he won't really know it. but most of all you will save yourself because you'll go back to that faith. your faith (which you don't even know yet!) will be the most important thing to you.

you aren't going to be awesome or cool... you already are. you are talented. you are something.

you.are.enough.

love,
me.

p.s. don't get rid of all of your awesome vintage dollar-bag thrift store clothes!!! that's one regret you don't want to deal with later. trust me!!! ;)




3.02.2016

letter one

dear honey,

isn't it weird that we call each other that? I don't remember why we chose that - though I know I felt like not calling you by your name was a conscious choice - that's part of the culture we have tried to adopt - a chaste wife never calls her husband by name. so I started calling you honey. it's weird when I think about it, but not weird when I say it.

in this month of letters that I am about to embark on, it's hard for me to start with one to you. I feel like I can't say any of the things I would really want to say because the truth between us is too intimate. but maybe you know all of those things in your heart. I hope you do at least.

so I'm not sure how to spend this writing space. do I tell you how much I love you? that you're a good husband? a good father? all of those things are true, of course. or maybe I should spend it apologizing for not always being the best wife or mother or person. aren't these the things we say all of the time to each other? You are so good. I love you. Forgive me for not being perfect. I don't know. it is all true, but feels so forced here.

for some reason one really great memory just popped into my head. it's one of my favorite times we've shared in our time together...

I think it was the first time I came to see you in michigan - or maybe it was when I came to pick you up? I can't remember... but what I do remember is you took me to the detroit temple and I had never been there before. and it was practically a ghost town - no one around at all really. but you found the pujari (who you knew) and he gave you two maha garlands. and we were standing in the temple room and jokingly placed the garlands around each other. I remember not thinking anything of it as we were doing it. I remember I was wearing overalls (haha!). and we were standing in front of Radha-Kunjabihari. after we placed the garlands around each other's neck the realization came to me that that's what people do when they get married. we had only been together for a short time - maybe a few months?? - but we had just done this ritualistic thing like it was natural, like it was something we were supposed to do. I've always thought of this as our first wedding. it was just us and Radha and Krishna. what or who else did we need?

I hope we can come back to that place soon - the place of only needing each other and god. and maybe we can help each other only need god in the end.



3.01.2016

writing and responding to prompts

well, hello there.

I spent the past month (as you are probably well aware) writing a haiku every day. it was quite a challenge, honestly. I didn't think it would be. I thought, meh - 5-7-5...seventeen syllables... how hard can it be? I mean, I'd written plenty of haiku before. and mostly I love writing haiku - the simplicity, the minimalism. love. but doing it every day - forcing it even when I didn't want to... it was hard. and I don't love everything I wrote. and that's ok. it's the process, really. the process isn't always pretty. actually, mostly it's grimy. but that's how you get to the good stuff - by sifting through the dirt and junk and finding that little gem every so often. no mud, no lotus.

I don't love prompt writing - aka when there is a pre-set prompt that you are meant to respond to. I know and understand the value. and I've had lots of great poems (or ones that I like) come from prompts (this one is a perfect example - one of my total favs)... but it's not always easy. and ugh, the worst is getting a prompt that you just hate. but I want to write. I want to write regularly. so I think I'm going to keep going. try to keep writing every day. but I know if I don't have something to push me, then I won't do it. I've tried before and failed. but you know, try, try, and try again. or something.

so that's my plan for this month. pick a list of prompts and just write. I'm not 100% sure which prompt list I'm going to use yet. I've found a few but I'm hemming and hawing over which one - because honestly, every list has at least two or three prompts that I think are dumb or I just don't want to do. but I can't let that deter me. I'll pick one by tomorrow and get this party started.





2.29.2016

NaHaiWriMo: twenty-nine

XXIX.

there is no such thing
as extra time. time He is,
destroyer of all.

2.28.2016

NaHaiWriMo: twenty-eight

XXVIII.

tiny remover
of obstacles - do your hands
ever get tired?