4.19.2014

poem: poem for her, poem for self.

because sometimes I'm talking to you and my self at the same time.



poem for her, poem for self.

I see you
when you think
no one is looking,
and for a moment
all of the hurt
melts away.

in your face
I recognize
the sadness,
feel its depth,
know it
at its core -
like looking in a mirror,
I think to myself,
we are more the same
than different.

if only you’d stop
chasing your own tail,
stop running
towards what you
think you know
but don’t.
if only.

2.23.2014

poem/prose: forgiveness

found in my phone notes, from 8.6.13, 7:41pm.

forgiveness


he ruined forgiveness for me the minute he hit her, said he was sorry, and then did it again and again. decades later I tell my therapist that I cannot forgive him, because to forgive means to say it is ok. she tells me that forgiveness does not have to mean concession. it can just be letting go. I try that on for size. at first it is too small. then it is too big. and then, somehow, as time goes by and the pain fades slightly, the fit is ok.
now, as the tables have turned, and I am the one who has done wrong, the one who has plunged the knife of hurt into another, twisting it one time too many, packing the wound with the salt of my selfishness. it becomes hard to breathe under the guilt. I stuff it down as deep as I can. and although it is heavy and weighted, it floats to the surface. it bubbles over.

***

here are some random quotes from a podcast/forgiveness seminar called "The Life of Forgiveness" by Mahatma dasa. I never finished listening to the whole seminar series. I should really do that.

"forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."

"resentment is a weapon you use to punish the other person."

"mercy makes up for what we lack."

"an unforgiving heart is attached to hurting another person because we were hurt by that person."

(if you search Mahatma on itunes, I'm pretty sure you can find the podcast - I really do recommend it!)

2.22.2014

5 random things: panic at the disco

here are a few things that make me want to hyperventilate.


1. driving a brand new car in the winter. dodging potholes is really stressful.

2. having a very new student come to a yoga class who has some kind of body part replacement (think knee, hip) or physical injury. want to kick the anxiety up a notch? new student with a knee replacement at a yin class.

3. being the only person playing kartals during a kirtan. or, even better, is when I'm at a class and my guru is about to lead kirtan... I see him scan the room for someone who can play kartals, and then I see the look on his face when he realizes I'm the only one. sweaty palms x10.

4. when I make a joke to break the tension in a weird situation...and no one laughs. and then I make it worse by explaining the joke. aaaaaand still nothing...

5. having to cook for large groups. having to cook something I've never made before for other people. or these two combined.



2.21.2014

poem: wreck(age)

wreck(age)

I have
intentionally
left you behind.

promised myself
to
lock you
out of me.

but today I see
the car crash
that you are -
the train wreck
smoldering -

and even though
I find myself
rubbernecking,
unable
to look away,

I am
so grateful
that I got out
of the car,

that I missed
the train,

that when
(eventually)
you are
a house
burning down

I will be
far
far away.

2.18.2014

5 random things

1. why is jillian michaels always shouting, even when she's just talking?

2. I haven't had spanakoptia in a long-ass time. too long!

3. I bought a new car yesterday. my anxiety-gut over whether or not it was a good idea is still hurting.

4. deep down I truly believe I'm never going to be a school counselor and it makes me superduper sad.

5. I recently had my astrological charts done and had the brahmin astrologer do an 8 day fire sacrifice to try to please venus, who is apparently angry with me. I'm thoroughly convinced that my recent illness is related to karma burn-off from those yajnas. I'm supposed to have a mars one done too, but I'm kind of terrified.